Kankhajura actor Trinetra Haldar on trans representation: 'Just because one filmmaker has done something doesn’t mean the industry is ready' | Exclusive

Following her groundbreaking performance in Made in Heaven and an appearance in Rainbow Rishta, Trinetra Haldar is back with a new series, Kankhajura, a gloomy psychological thriller that is currently streaming on Sony LIV (OTTplay Premium). Using rural Goa as an implausible setting, this Chandan Arora-directed series adapts the international series Magpie to examine strange silences and mysterious motivations. In this exclusive interview with OTTplay, Trinetra discusses her transformation from Meher to Aimee, the way the environment affected her, and the challenges of embodying a character who is both extremely vulnerable and firmly grounded. While delving into the art of recreating trauma onscreen, Trinetra considers how her relationship with personal narrative has changed through her acting career and the challenges that true trans storytelling faces in India's entertainment industry.

Edited excerpts from the interview...

You played a pivotal role in Made in Heaven, which was rooted in emotional and social complexities. How did the transition happen from that world to a psychological thriller like Kankhajura?

I think I would be lying if I told you that after Made in Heaven, there were like 20 different projects that I was doing; that's not true. Rainbow Rishta happened right after Made in Heaven, but I realised with a lot of clarity after Made in Heaven came out that we have a long way to go as an industry. And just because Zoya Akhtar or just because one filmmaker has done something, does not mean that the industry is necessarily ready for more trans representation.

But a few months after the release of Made in Heaven and Rainbow Rishta, Mukesh Chhabra sir's office reached out to cast for this part, and when I read the script, I was fascinated. I was fascinated because as actors, we want to play diverse parts. You want to play characters which are very different. You want to explore different genres. So when I saw the nature of the show, the universe that it's been set in, and the way it's been adapted from the international version Magpie, I was just floored. I was like, I have to be part of this, because it's very rare for trans individuals to get opportunities to play such well-developed and layered sorts of characters and especially a character that has an emotional range that is completely different from what you've done before, who has experiences and realities that are very different from, say, a Meher in Made in Heaven. So for me, the fact that it was so different is what appealed to me so much and that's why I said yes to it.

The setting of Goa in Kankhajura adds an eerie quietness that contrasts its usual image. How did filming in that space influence your performance or emotional connection to the story?

100%, I absolutely think so, because this is also not set in, like, upscale Goa. This is not like Assagao, right? Like, we're shooting in rural parts of Goa, and that’s why this is set — and Aimee definitely belongs to that world as well. So I think it really sort of allowed me to step away from who I am in real life. As someone who speaks a certain way, who walks and talks and behaves a certain way, it allowed me to remove all of these layers of being polished. Because unfortunately, in Bollywood or in entertainment, or even in life as a doctor, etc., it demands that you carry yourself a certain way. But to strip away all those layers was definitely something that Goa had a lot to do with.

It allowed me to be completely myself in a way that is also not Trinetra and is very Aimee — because you’ll barely hear her speak English, and she speaks with a lot of confidence in, “Kya kar raha hai tu? Pagal ho gaya hai?” Like she’s got this sort of sense of ease and freedom in the way that she interacts with people. I think Goa definitely played a part, but it was also the people and the world that she lives in — whether it’s Ashu or Roshan’s (Mathew) character or other people. I think it was just the universe that Chandan (Arora) was able to create that made it very easy for me to just fit into it.

Were you familiar with the original series Magpie before you came on board for its adaptation?

I didn’t know about it, but I actually did watch the series before confirming that I would be part of it. I just wanted to make sure that, like, again, it’s not like the Indian version is replicating the international version in any way. It’s being adapted in a very unique and very beautiful way — especially Aimee, especially my character — who is dramatically different from her international counterpart. So I watched the show not so much to replicate it in any way, but I just wanted to understand the relationship between Ashu and Aimee. What is their equation? What is their degree of closeness?

And also, trans people are very diverse, right? We are not one shade or one colour; even trans people are a whole spectrum, right? There are people from different professions. So I also wanted to be a little clear on which part of the community I am representing. Am I playing someone from the Kinnar community? Am I not? So, what are we doing exactly? So that's why I wanted to watch the international version, and then accordingly, Chandan and I decided which space Amy sort of fits into.

Thrillers often rely on silence, stillness, and micro-expressions. Was that a challenge for you as a performer? Did you discover anything new about your craft in the process?

Honestly, not at all. I feel like with Made in Heaven, Meher as a character was very aspirational, very privileged, and very different from the realities of a lot of trans people. Yes, of course, Meher had her challenges and her share of issues, but I feel like in this setup, we see the realities of a lot of trans individuals more. As you watch the show, you will see how we face partner violence, how there is physical abuse, how there are other things — and not just in a way that portrays someone as a victim, but what it does to a human being on a psychological level.

I feel like because it’s a psychological thriller, because it’s a crime thriller, we get to see the mindsets of all of these characters very intimately and explore what that looks like. I think that is not something I got to do on Made in Heaven much, but here I really got to do that. So, for me as an actor, that was actually very satisfying. It was very creatively satisfying to explore layers that a human being goes through outside of their transness.

In fact, that made me feel very female — to put myself in the shoes of a character who is, on the one hand, at the receiving end of domestic violence, and on the other hand, the protagonist of the show is trying to manipulate her for information while also trying to sort of save her from this bad relationship. So, in many ways, Aimee is being used, and what that does to her as a person and how it breaks her was... it's sad to watch, but it was very interesting for me to play as a character.

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There’s often a fine line between portraying trauma and reliving it. How do you draw that line for yourself?

I think that is entirely up to your craft. There is a school of actors that believes that you need to scratch that trauma and bring it out and really amplify that from your personal life, and that may work for them. But I find that in my process — again, I may be new — but I believe that it’s unsustainable to keep digging at your own trauma and pulling that out and using that emotional memory. It may work with some things, it may work with some emotions, but when it comes to violence, sexual trauma, and domestic abuse, these kinds of things — to pull from that emotional trauma, is not, in my opinion, healthy.

Helena Walsh, this really amazing acting coach that I worked with, really taught me how to approach it differently. I worked with two acting coaches, actually — Puja Swaroop, who’s a wonderful theatre actor, and Helena Walsh, who’s based in the UK. Her entire philosophy is that acting is a craft. At the end of the day, acting means you are pretending — on some level. Yes, there is honesty there, but at the same time, you are not reliving trauma; you are creating it. You are recreating it using tools like your breath, your voice, your body, the tone of your speaking — and that is the craft of an actor. That is the job of an actor.

You need to be regulated. Your nervous system needs to be regulated for you to be able to play with those tools and create that sort of magic. Otherwise, it's the same as slapping somebody and putting a camera in front of them and calling that a good performance because it was real. That’s not necessarily true. That doesn’t mean they’re a good actor — it just means they got hurt. That’s not what performance is about. Performance is about recreation, not just reliving.

So I think over time, I have learnt tools to do that — and I continue to learn tools to do that. And this show definitely allowed me to explore some of those tools, and I’m very grateful for that.

You’ve spoken about “telling your own story before others tell it for you.” Has acting given you more power over your personal narrative? Or has it complicated it?

I feel like when it comes to talking about my personal narrative, what I realise is — my transition ended a while ago. It ended, I think, with my last procedure, which was over a year ago. So I’m now at a point in my life where I’m not just interested in talking about my own narrative, but about diverse trans narratives.

The beautiful part about acting, the beautiful part about entertainment, is that we get to do that through fiction. There are so many things about my personal life — for example, in my romantic relationships — that I can’t talk about on my platform or on any other platform. But I’m able to talk about those experiences through other characters in fiction. I think that is such a beautiful space to be in.

And that’s what entertainment does for us, right? It creates work in which we’re able to see different versions of ourselves. That’s what I’m committed to doing — as a trans actor, as someone who’s committed to telling trans stories.