Road House Blues: Before Jake Gyllenhaal's Saga, There Was Patrick Swayze

HERE'S THE THING WITH REMAKES, especially the ones no one asked for — if you’re gonna make them, ensure they're full of the absolute best zingers and starring the generational talent that is Jake Gyllenhaal (the man who not too long ago graced us with his unhinged, feral, coke-eyed performance in Lord Michael Bay's action spectacular Ambulance), casually slapping a bunch of sleazeballs around in the Florida Keys.

But if you really want history to be on your side, make sure the remake, by virtue of its mere existence, reintroduces the young ‘uns among humankind to 1991's “Sexiest Man Alive”, the Bodhisattva himself: Patrick Swayze.

So in order to make the most of this cosmic opportunity that the universe has endowed us, in the form of Doug Liman's upcoming Road House (it drops on Amazon Prime Video this Thursday, 21 March), hold my hand as we walk back to 1989 and revisit the original.

Directed by a guy with the first name Rowdy, the film is a rather… rowdy affair (when fruits are dangled in your face, it's only natural to grab them). We follow the life and adventures of cooler James Dalton (Swayze) who's hired to clean up the dystopian "toilet" that is the newly refurbished roadside bar Double Deuce, but runs afoul of Brad Wesley (Ben Gazzara), a crime boss who controls the small town. Of course, only a fight to the death between Dalton and Wesley (plus his band of sleazy goofs) can restore peace in the galaxy now.

Accompanying Dalton on his increasingly homoerotic quest are a bunch of bouncers, musicians, waiters, the owner of DD, the lovely Dr Elizabeth Clay (Kelly Lynch), a series of stereotypical small-town business owners, and a very special guest, who we'll get to in just a bit.

Lest you get the wrong idea, the film is far more nuanced than it might seem based on the above description. See, beneath the ripped abs and beer bellies, Road House asks its audience some big questions, like: What really makes Wesley a bad guy? Is it that fact that he flies around in a helicopter, and hence, is a threat to the environment? Is it him zigzagging his fancy car across the road, forcing others off, all while he sings with abandon? Is it that he beats his woman, and then encourages her to dance with her top off in the DD to incite a fight? It is that he's a creep, watching Dalton and Clay make love from the shadows? Could it be his maniacal behaviour not just towards the townsfolk but also his own employees? With such shades of grey, the film really compels you to look deeper and question not just the characters, but perhaps people in your life as well.

Take Dalton himself. He's not just a legendary fighter extraordinaire with ice flowing through his veins and the looks of a god. No, how dare you judge a man only by his exterior? He's got a PhD in Philosophy from NYU, reads Jim Harrison in his spare time, lives off coffee and cigarettes, and horses love him. When he practises his martial arts with his shirt off in the golden dusk light by the river, men across ages and moral beliefs are left mesmerised. Moreover, when he does put his clothes on, you know he wears the flappiest of pants and karate jackets for shirts. He lives in the swankiest of barns ever known to mankind, can stitch himself up after a brawl, and secretly owns a Mercedes. And while he has to fight Jimmy — Wesley's baddest of the bad henchmen — for the greater good, you know that from the moment they lingeringly lay eyes on each other, all they want is to hold hands and run away. They really don't make them like him any more.

And those two are just the tip of the iceberg. The film nails everything it touches. Just drills it right through. We're talking gun fights, knife fights, spear fights, fist fights, kick fights, wrestling (?), supercars, shit cars, monster trucks (!), fit people, not-so-fit people, young people, old people, physically challenged people (talk about representation!), bare tops, bare bottoms, decadence, gentrification, romance, revenge, melodrama. There is a band that performs (the sweetest of soundtracks) in a frickin’ cage because DD is hell on earth. And, oh, and how elegantly the things explode! Be it the glassware in the bar, or buildings in the town, everything belongs to what we mortals now know as Lord Bay's School of Cinema.

Yet, nearly everything pales in comparison to how most of the characters talk to each other — almost exclusively in one-liners. Good lord in heaven, the zingers!

“I don't fly; too dangerous.”

“I thought you'd be bigger.” (A classic.)

“You got a name?” “Yeah.” (Oh, ho ho ho ho!)

“Opinions vary.”

“He's good, he's real good.”

“Nobody ever wins a fight.” (Another one for the books.)

“You're such an a—hole.”“Prepare to die!”

And the very best of the best — “You're too stupid to have a good time. ” 

All these besides the iconic “be nice” speech by Swayze .

As Detective Jake Peralta would put it, chills, literal chills.

And just when you thought you've seen it all, like a gift that keeps on giving, enter Sam effin' Elliott looking like a sexy Jesus. So effortlessly laid-back and self-assured, the man reduces Swayze to a nervous wreck in comparison. Where do you even go from here?Well, apparently to the most’ 80s showdown. Flying cars, flying knives, unexpectedly mean and twisted killings, and some messed up humour. You know, the good stuff.

But like all great things, this too shall come to an end. This meandering, leisurely stroll soaked in blood, sweat and swagger. Remember though, in Hollywood when one door closes, almost the same one opens in its place eventually. This one took a minute, but nevertheless, 35 years on, it's time to revisit the road house, the old and the renovated.

Stream Road House (2024) on Prime Video India, from March 21st.