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Ek Ticket, Ek Black Coffee | The curious case of Ranbir Kapoor's Shamshera trailer and why I facepalmed so much

I really like Ranbir Kapoor. But my head and heart are in conflict again when not one but two movie trailers: Brahmastra and Shamshera show up on your feed, one is forced to consider: how much of a Ranbir Kapoor fan are you?

Manisha Lakhe

Jun 28, 2022

Ranbir Kapoor in a still from Shamshera (Image via Twitter)

There’s something about a slow strip tease. When the lights are dimmed, the music comes up slowly, expectations are at an all-time high, and your eyes fall on the spotlight. And from behind the curtains emerges a leg, encased in glitter. Jaws drop and heartbeats increase on the question, will she, won’t she?

That’s an exotic setting you say, how many of us have ever been to a strip club? Fine. Troop over to the kitchen and pick up an innocuous onion. Yes, even the humble onion will reveal its ability to make you cry only when the dry skin comes off. It has layers and layers that have to be peeled before you come to the sweet centre. And when you put that in vinegar the onion turns pink and awesome.

In short, When I watched the trailer of Shamshera (or indeed every new movie that releases these days), I realize that Bollywoodwallahs have a lot to learn from Advertising Wallahs: The Art of Seduction.

Seduction is that poster where you stare and stare at Katrina’s mouth, hoping that the last drop of the mango drink will fall into that hawt mouth. You even imagine yourself as the drop. So close to Katrina’s lips!

But the trailer of Shamshera is like that character in Sacred Games who just has to see Nawazuddin Siddiqui and tears off her own blouse. Oh, come on! Even if it were Christiano Ronaldo who had just made a hat trick at a match, would you make out with him before he has showered? Perhaps if you could use a nose clip that synchronized swimmers use… And even then you’d end up smelling like a locker room…

It’s the same with trailers. It’s not supposed to be a movie summary, it’s something that will make you book that ticket. And why the heck can’t you keep the fact that Ranbir plays both the father and the son quiet? And why is the trailer made to look like the story is just another RRR? Where Sanjay Dutt and Ranbir Kapoor look like adversaries, but when it comes to the ‘desh-prem’, they join hands secretly to overthrow the British?

Indians are used to watching tribals go ‘Jhingalala hurr’ and sing happy snake songs in Madhumati, Baahubali made pots of money with their version of the tribals bringing up a prince. Most of us have watched season after season wishing Ertrugul would help his tribe find a land to call their own. The horses, the tribal ways of life, the handsome men and the beautiful women…uff! So why would I spend money and time watching yet another wannabe Baahubali?

And why on Earth is everything so dusty and dirty? Even when Ertugrul crossed the desert, they weren’t so dusty and dirty as these movies we are making these days. Are they saying poor people live in dirt so they have to be dusty and dirty? Even the young women in the audience want to take a wet tissue out of their purses and clean your face before they’d want to kiss you.

I mean, how gorgeous is Shah Rukh Khan, really. Women swoon when he stretches his arms and they imagine it’s for them. But he’s not dressed as if he’s spent the whole day in a car garage oiling the machine parts. He’s standing in a field of yellow mustard, for God's sake! I know Shamshera is supposed to be the saviour of his tribe, but why is he so dirty? Do clouds of dust really hide shoddy sets? Or limited acting? Are villains supposed to seethe and grunt because the hero has taken on the job of Sholay’s Gabbar? Give me a break, Bollywood!

I really like Ranbir Kapoor. But my head and heart are in conflict again when not one but two movie trailers: Brahmastra and Shamshera show up on your feed, one is forced to consider: how much of a Ranbir Kapoor fan are you? My heart wants Ranbir’s films to do well because he is a fabulous actor (I loved, loved Rocket Singh: Salesman of the Year, Barfi and even up to a point the manic energy he had in Jagga Jasoos). I would redo everyone else in Rockstar except Ranbir Kapoor (and the music of course) if given half a chance. But when he has to say silly lines like ‘Kuch rishta hai mera aag se’ the trailer creates memes, not fans.

In Shamshera, the trailer tells you that he’s playing the lovable fool who will realize his responsibilities towards his tribe (hence the voiceover of his mom telling us all that he’s got to be like his dad who was so-oh brave). I have purchased the tiny headrest pillow that people use in cars to put on my forehead, so when I facepalm (or smash my forehead against a wall) I don’t injure myself.

Yaaar! Baahubali also had a father and son look-alike thing naaa! My mind complains in Hinglish. But my heart says, seeeeeeee! How cool he is, gliding down the gullies of his gaon in the big wicker basket!

Then the little voice in my head taunts me about how Sanjay Dutt must have walked over from the KGF 2 set to fight the good guys as Daroga Shuddh Singh just as Ram Charan Teja did in RRR, no? And just like Ram Charan in RRR, this cop also has a whip! My heart wishes my brain would stop finding these similarities… And wishes that my brain would be fogged by the yellow dust that the horses are kicking up. Khudagawah had greenery too! What’s with the deep fake band of bandits riding horses in battle formation in Once Upon A Time In China type shots? Is there anything original here? And the costumes - I despair! The group of men singing ‘Afghan jalebi’ in Phantom looked more authentic than the people here. Even the dacoits in Pan Singh Tomar were cleaner than this bunch.

But my heart, oh my heart! Is there any other way to appease my heart than hope that Pathaan would not be as made dirty by war when looking into the distance and thinking about his lost love at the edge of some mountain, that Shamshera would make me think ‘Lord almighty, he cleans up good!’ during the movie and that filmmakers will get away from this dusty colour palette with which they’re making movies these days? So with apologies to Marc Antony whose speech was written by Shakespeare Bhaiyya, I conclude:

Filmwallah, Bollywoodias, Junta, lend me your ears
I talk about my love for movies not praising stars.
The good they deliver lives after them on OTT,
The flops are relegated to history books.
So let it be with Ranbir Kapoor.
The noble Anurag Basu has told you,
That Barfi is peerless, can act out of a tight corner,
And Ranbir delivers like a Rockstar.
Here, after watching the trailer of Shamshera,
I write, not as a critic but as a fan of Rocket Singh
Also because Ranbir is a gorgeous lad.
Shamshera’s trailer tells it all, the beginning
the middle of the tale, the end we know the hero wins,
Why so sure? Because Ranbir is a gorgeous lad.
He shall not fall for the false hope that his filmy death,
Will create more fans who will cry for him.
I have wept to see this god-awful trailer that says it all.
Trailer should be made of sterner stuff, showing little.
Retaining more in the movie. But trailer makers are brutish beasts
Giving away the best lines of the film, so while my heart is with Ranbir
My head says, ‘Don’t show everything! Teri maa ki crown jewels!’

About the author:

Manisha Lakhe writes on films and TV shows, is a poet, teacher, traveller and mom (and not necessarily in that order). Could sell her soul for Pinot and a good cheesecake.

(Disclaimer: Views expressed in this article are those of the author and don't necessarily reflect those of OTTplay)

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