Temptation Island India: If Splitsvilla And Bigg Boss Had A Baby

“TEMPTATION ISLAND: Pyaar ka pariksha” — more like viewers ka pariksha. Okay, that’s a lie. I just said that to sound cool. Because I am watching this show. Voluntarily. For fun. I am not afraid to admit I love reality television. The trashier, the better. And so, I am willing to take one for the team of those who are intrigued but don’t feel inclined enough to watch. Don’t worry. I watched (and also opined, laughed, predicted) Temptation Island so you don’t have to. And here are my thoughts:

There was definitely going to be a slo-mo edit of Mouni Roy in a bikini. This is giving Sunny Leone entry shot in Splitsvilla on MTV vibes.

“Love. Ishq. Mohabbat. Pyaar. Duniya ki sabse powerful feeling,” Mouni Roy says while mock-bathing in a jacuzzi and making sexy faces. But there’s no sexualising of Karan Kundra. Why not? I believe he has a massive fan base. He is good looking. He is suave. Why is the onus of being the show hottie resting only on Mouni Roy’s shoulders? The nation wants to know.

Har love story ki shuruvat temptation se hoti hai. Essentially, couples will stay away from each other for 45 days on separate islands and there will be singles thrown into the mix to tempt them away from their loyal partners. Sounds like some good old reality TV drama. Sign-me-up.

Couple no 1. Nishank and Chetna start off with the claim that they’re “unbreakable” — hoo boy. They’re an actor-director couple, dating for the past three years. Nishank keeps mentioning that it took 11 years to convince Chetna to date him, so the single boys on this island have “no chance”. See, this is why reality TV is so much fun. Especially if you have sadistic tendencies around watching people eat their own words on national television.

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There’s Nidhi and Mohak, the textbook couple who met on a dating app. Nidhi, who is from Dubai, calls her boyfriend, “British maal” and congratulates herself for bagging an international hottie. Good for you, Nidhi. I do hope you realise this dude claims to have fallen for you for your “Indian values”. Oh wait, this gets better. They don’t live together because Mohak has a dog and Nidhi is scared of canines. They’re here to find a solution to their current situation. (Viewer prediction: they’re not gonna make it.)

Long distance couple number three, Nikita and Tayne have been dating for four months only *rubs hands sneakily*. Nikita has been on Splitsvilla before, while Tayne is a South African MMA fighter who lives in Bali. Nikita keeps going to Bali to meet him, but he is in India for the first time. “That’s kind of a red flag, isn’t it?” she says, and he retorts, “I am drawn to red flags.” Well, then, Tayne, red flags you’ll get. Apparently, Nikita video calls him late at night to check if there’s anyone under his bed.

Couple number four, Chestha and Arjun met at a Diwali party while playing cards. They’ve been together for 10 years, on and off. Right off the bat, they’re honest about infidelity (Arjun) and over-possessiveness (Chestha). Arjun then accuses Chestha of also cheating. Which she denies. The body language completely changes. This was supposed to be an introductory montage but this suddenly feels like an interrogation. The drama has begun.

The couples get together for a round of drinks and observations. Enter Mouni and Karan. “Temptation Island is about finding clarity, not about breaking hearts,” says Mouni. Okay, then. I will bring this right back up when we have the 100th close-up of someone crying.

Listen, we like honesty. Bonus points for speaking your mind despite so many cameras waiting to capture your every move. And so, we must give credit to Mohak, who, on being asked what he is doing here and what he wants from this experiment, says, “There could be someone out there just like Nidhi but who likes dogs.” Good for you Mohak, you speak your mind and don’t settle for anything less. (Later, he called it a “brave joke”.)

Nishak says about Chetna, “Revenge ki bohot aadat hai isse,” and I'm 100 percent down for it. You take your revenge sis, in whatever way you feel right.

Meanwhile, you know a guy is trouble when he says this on being accused of being too flirty: “She might say it’s flirty, but I’m just being friendly and respectful.” Tayne, buddy, we weren’t born yesterday.

And finally, 29 minutes in, the topic of emotional versus physical cheating comes up. Mouni’s not having any of it. She immediately tells Arjun and Cheshta they have toxic patterns.

The singles make an entry via a ramp walk, with the couples sitting in front of them in a semicircle. They have been given full permission to objectify the singles, and objectify they do. The single boys are exclusively dressed in blazers with no shirt, and carry that typical smouldering, pouted lips look. The single girls are all looking like supermodels, in their little black dresses and high heels. Both sets are presented to the couples on a proverbial platter, and called “tempters”. Funnnnn.

There’s a boys' villa which has bikes, a bar, and blue and black tones. There’s a girls' villa with Barbie imagery, floral wallpaper and various shades of pink. The cliches are getting a tad boring.

Here are just some of the things the tempters have said in their introductions:

“I like bad boys.”

“My eyes can hypnotise.”

“Meri body, bole toh, ek number.”

“If I like something, it becomes mine.”

“These fingers, they move really fast… on the guitar.”

Sometime after all the introductions are done, the vibe of the show moves from being Splitsvilla-like to almost Bigg Boss in nature, as the camera follows around the now separated couples. The guys are discussing the temptresses, while the women are sitting around ranking the tempters. Only a few of them are strategically sent in to mingle with the couples. Natural connections start to form. You can tell who’s going to get in trouble and who is going to be boring.

As a reality TV connoisseur, I am very excited at the expanding Colors’ Reality Universe. We are no longer in an annual loop of Roadies-Splitsvilla-Bigg Boss. Let the games begin.

Stream Temptation Island India here.